This is something I wrote a few weeks ago when I found out that my friend got engaged, and I felt a sudden surge of emotion. I wanted to pen this feeling, as he starts a new chapter in his life, I wish nothing but the best because he is a great person, and had been with me through some tough times, I will always be cheering for you.
Today I mourn the end..
It was only until my final (extra semester) did you notice me. I still remember that you asked me out for dinner and I suggested Miss Saigon. I showed up in a yellow shirt and my culottes, but at just 5 minutes before the date I had to swap my shirt with my friend as she needed it for an interview.
So, I showed up that evening in a sweaty Coca Cola shirt. As I boarded the bus I saw you in your black Columbia vest. I naturally, flirtingly teased you for it as it was a warm day. We made our self to the restaurant and I placed and order for some pho and you for some rice dish which you clearly didn’t enjoy. I liked our conversation and maybe I liked you more as I hadn’t met someone from home. I enjoyed your accent and how you were always so curt with what you wanted, but what I enjoyed most was that you never forced yourself on me.
I remember over the months, we spent numerous hours together be it struggling through my job applications, or coding assignments, or watching “Yeh Meri Family”(which was the first Indian soap I had watched in my life if we exclude CID and Crime Patrol), or playing pool at High Horse which unfortunately doesn’t exist anymore. Just like you and me, we are no more.
I remember the night we had our first kiss. “Let’s kiss,” you said and I thought it was so cute and respectful. I remember the night we went to the Haigis Mall for bowling, it was the first night where I said to myself this guy is fucking cute and I hope you remember what happened then. It was the first time we ever crossed a line.
In the months that followed I remember us, the happy and the not so happy. When one night while cuddling close talking about life, we talked about values and what we were passionate about and you said “CODE”. You said that all of undergrad you only thought about CODE, I laughed and joked about it with you and internally I made it a goal that I would love to share my eclectic experiences with you. After, I remember grabbing you to every eventful occasion I was going to attend, from the Drew Barrymore concert to the UMass ballroom dance socials where we ended up being the only under dressed people. I admired how you looked at everything as an algorithm (non-feeling) how you wanted to understand the flow than to just feel it. I admired it because I go around winging it.
But as we know that we can only perceive happiness if we have perceived sadness. I remember that night when you told me that you are not looking to commit, I was deeply hurt because I had sensed much more. Maybe I should have ended it there or maybe you should have mustered up some courage to tell the truth. Maybe I am a fool, because I took it as a sign that maybe you are trying to act cool? Personally, I never felt that you anyone else was there because you were always there when I needed you. We spent so much time together and I felt your undivided attention. Emotions I tell you.
I remember when graduation was nearing and we were going to part ways, you hinted that I should try to find a job in the BayArea. How you helped me prepare for my Google interview, how you believed in me before I did. Frankly, I thought that I had almost gotten it that time, but I guess life had other plans. I remember the evening I was dropping you off and accidentally blurted “I love you” between the well wishes. Sadly, I think you were moved but you didn’t say it back and unfortunately words of affirmation is my love language.
When you left and the winter grew I remember you checking on me and calling me now and then. As time passed with and no affirmations came, I thought of you as a college fling and just a friend and tried moving on with someone new. Over that time we kept in touch and you even cared for my first day at work. In passing nearing Valentines Day I had mentioned that I would love a teddy and you said that “funds are tight, I will get it for you when I start work”. I thought it was a joke and brushed it off given people say things all the time. But little did I know that a month later you would send me a cutie that still sleeps besides me.
But I guess by then my cup had runneth over and you never verbalised anything so I moved on with someone new. A few months down we had to meet in the city of dreams and I swear I got some butterflies for you. Unfortunately, all was done and we had to leave it at that my friend.
Months later you got your first car, and I remember that you thought of me too. You excitedly send me the pictures and I hyped you up as a friend would do. Jokingly, I said that you owe me a ride and little did I know that would come true too. A few months down, the guy I supposedly loved discarded me at the airport and helplessly I messaged you. Without a thought you drove up to see me for an hour before I headed back east for good.
I didn’t feel the butterflies but I was so glad that you were there for me then. We got some brunch and walked around the city talking about how beautiful the mountains and the skies looked. I made fun of your driving skills and that I got my ride too. This time was different as you were reserved and that’s when I found out that you had also found someone new.
The next few months I spent mending my broken heart and I won’t lie sometimes I thought of you. Years have passed and we barely talk expect for seasonal greeting and unfortunately I this year I missed that too. Yesterday after almost 2 years down I noticed a green ring around your insta story. Elated that you thought of me I pressed my finger on the portrait, only to find that you “forever” committed to that someone new.
Surprisingly, I felt something and I wanted to pen down. My dear friend I wish you the best. Another chapter of your life and I hope that we can be friends.
